All of the PETA stuff made me think of this . It is old and a lot better when you hear him say it but it is still good.
The Vegetarian's Nightmare
(a dissertation on plants' rights)
Ladies and diners I make you
A shameful, degrading confession.
A deed of disgrace in the name of good taste
Though I did it I meant no aggression.
I had planted a garden last April
And lovingly sang it a ballad.
But later in June beneath a full moon
Forgive me, I wanted a salad!
So I slipped out and fondled a carrot
Caressing its feathery top.
With the force of a brute I tore out the root!
It whimpered and came with a pop!
Then laying my hand on a radish
I jerked and it left a small crater.
Then with the blade of my True Value spade
I exhumed a slumbering tater!
Celery I plucked, I twisted a squash!
Tomatoes were wincing in fear.
I choked the Romaine. It screamed out in pain,
Their anguish was filling my ears!
I finally came to the lettuce
As it cringed at the top of the row
With one wicked slice I beheaded it twice
As it writhed, I dealt a death blow.
I butchered the onions and parsley.
My hoe was all covered with gore.
I chopped and I whacked without looking back
Then I stealthily slipped in the door.
My bounty lay naked and dying
So I drowned them to snuff out their life.
I sliced and I peeled as they thrashed and they reeled
On the cutting board under my knife.
I violated tomatoes
So their innards could never survive.
I grated and ground 'til they made not a sound
Then I boiled the tater alive!
Then I took the small broken pieces
I had tortured and killed with my hands
And tossed them together, heedless of whether
They suffered or made their demands.
I ate them. Forgive me, I'm sorry
But hear me, though I'm a beginner
Those plants feel pain, though it's hard to explain
To someone who eats them for dinner!
I intend to begin a crusade
For PLANT'S RIGHTS, including chick peas.
The A.C.L.U. will be helping me, too.
In the meantime, please pass the bleu cheese.
Baxter Black
The Vegetarian's Nightmare
(a dissertation on plants' rights)
Ladies and diners I make you
A shameful, degrading confession.
A deed of disgrace in the name of good taste
Though I did it I meant no aggression.
I had planted a garden last April
And lovingly sang it a ballad.
But later in June beneath a full moon
Forgive me, I wanted a salad!
So I slipped out and fondled a carrot
Caressing its feathery top.
With the force of a brute I tore out the root!
It whimpered and came with a pop!
Then laying my hand on a radish
I jerked and it left a small crater.
Then with the blade of my True Value spade
I exhumed a slumbering tater!
Celery I plucked, I twisted a squash!
Tomatoes were wincing in fear.
I choked the Romaine. It screamed out in pain,
Their anguish was filling my ears!
I finally came to the lettuce
As it cringed at the top of the row
With one wicked slice I beheaded it twice
As it writhed, I dealt a death blow.
I butchered the onions and parsley.
My hoe was all covered with gore.
I chopped and I whacked without looking back
Then I stealthily slipped in the door.
My bounty lay naked and dying
So I drowned them to snuff out their life.
I sliced and I peeled as they thrashed and they reeled
On the cutting board under my knife.
I violated tomatoes
So their innards could never survive.
I grated and ground 'til they made not a sound
Then I boiled the tater alive!
Then I took the small broken pieces
I had tortured and killed with my hands
And tossed them together, heedless of whether
They suffered or made their demands.
I ate them. Forgive me, I'm sorry
But hear me, though I'm a beginner
Those plants feel pain, though it's hard to explain
To someone who eats them for dinner!
I intend to begin a crusade
For PLANT'S RIGHTS, including chick peas.
The A.C.L.U. will be helping me, too.
In the meantime, please pass the bleu cheese.
Baxter Black
I can't believe a human being could be so mean to those helpless creatures. 
