Joke of the Week

[cowz]

Alright everybody- I hope no one takes offense to the breed predjudices here..... but here is your joke.

A city slicker just got his pilot's license and decides to fly over the country side to test out his flying skills.  He decides it will be great fun to BUZZ some cows.  He spots a herd of Limousin cows.  He swoops down, buzzes the herd and watches them all run THROUGH the fence!  He says, THIS IS FUN!  He looks for another herd of cattle to harass.  He sees some beautiful white Charolais cows, so he buzzes them too.  They put their tails in the air and JUMP the fence.  Wow, he thinks, this is great entertainment.  He flys a little further and sees some Angus cattle.  He proceeds to buzz them too.  The Angus cows get down on their knees and push their way under the fence.  This jerk is now addicted to buzzing cows with his plane.  He finally spots a group of Hereford cows.  He goes down to buzz 'em!  They just stand there and look at him.....and prolapse!

 

[austin]

Whoa! Ha  ;D

That is a good one.

 

[angus2rite]

I don't get it.

 

[austin]

I don't get it.

What don't you understand?

 

[gocalves]

 

[gocalves]

I've heard one like it, but that was pretty good.

 

[cowz]

Now I am not picking on cattle buyers or church ladies - but this is another lame one:

Just because Slim was a cattle buyer didn't mean he wasn't a good Christian.  In fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church.  His church had a gossip, Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation's morals.  She was constantly sticking her nose into others people's business.  Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. 
 
Slim, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha's  house, walked home, and left it there all night.
  8)

 

[Stifler]

My horse had a broken leg so I shot em.

Now he's gotta broken leg and a shotgun wound!

--larry the cableguy ;D

 

[schoenbi]

That was good. lol 

 

[cowz]

Ok...more of my lame jokes.  This one is rated R (Not for those under 16)  Raunchey!!!

The cattle buyer got in his Escalade, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 years old opened the door.
"Is your pa home?" asked the cattle buyer.
"No, sir, he ain't", the boy said. "He went to town."
"Well ," said the cattle buyer, "Is your ma here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went to town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The cattle buyer stood there, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools is, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa?"
"Well," said the cattle buyer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.
The boy considered for a moment... "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps ya any, I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar. But I really don't how much he charges fer Howard."

 

[red]

: that was a good one cowz!!
Red

 

[red]

here goes my contribution:
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Tammy
and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blond says brightly, "Hi my name is
Tammy, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks
on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says, "Hi my name is Tammy, and you are losing some of
your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Vermont and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK."

 

[austin]

"I can`t believe you have never been cow tippin before!" Chris Farley in Tommy Boy

 

[ShowStopper]

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah where the Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." ... "So, how'd you break your arm? :-X

 

[austin]

Showstopper-haha. That had to have been a cold ride down the mountain!

 

[austin]

Now I am not picking on cattle buyers or church ladies - but this is another lame one:

Just because Slim was a cattle buyer didn't mean he wasn't a good Christian.  In fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church.  His church had a gossip, Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation's morals.  She was constantly sticking her nose into others people's business.  Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. 
   
Slim, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha's  house, walked home, and left it there all night.
  8)

Good idea! ha

 

[austin]

My horse had a broken leg so I shot em.

Now he's gotta broken leg and a shotgun wound!

--larry the cableguy ;D

His entire show is great. I've seen it many times on comedy central, but it's good everytime.

Do you realize that Larry the Cable Guy in the highest paid entertainer in the US at this point? wow

 

[Reggie]

"I can`t believe you have never been cow tippin before!" Chris Farley in Tommy Boy

That's a great  movie. I forgot about cow tippin. 

 

[cowz]

Alright, time for yet another cattle buyer joke:

The cattle buyer suspected his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the cattle buyer could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  "Here's what you do," said the doctor.  "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away.  Let's see what happens.”  In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response...  So the cattle buyer moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response... Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response... Then he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there was no response... So he walked right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for dinner?" 
"Dammit Bart!  For the fifth time... WE'RE HAVING STEAK!"
))

 

[red]

in marriage, we call that selective hearing!!! Good one cowz!
(lol)
Red