My dad- a sad story

[red]

My dad just turned 81 last month. He & my mom also celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. He helped raise 4 girls & was fairly involved in our lives. He was the general manager of a large bearings company & later started his own business. He's always been in pretty good health.
He has started showing signs of dementia over the last couple of years. He forgets things & doesn't drive anymore. I always thought it wasn't too bad.
Today when I was talking to my mom on the phone, she started to talk to my dad. I could hear her explaining to him that he doesn't work anymore. He hasn't worked for over 8 years. I could tell there was some confusion. She put him on the phone w/ me. I asked him what was wrong. He explained he had woken up & was late for work but she wouldn't let him go. He was very concerned that he not be late. I told him that he didn't work & he was not late. He wanted to make sure I was 100% sure he didn't work. I told him that because of my mom's forgetfullness I had been keeping close track of their schedules & knew he wasn't working today. He seemed to accept this, told me he loved me & that he'd see me soon. I said the same to him. I told my mom to make sure he didn't go out by himself in case he tries to go.
He's on medicines for Alzheimer's & several other treatments. It breaks my heart to see such an active mind not there anymore.
I'm sorry this wasn't cheerier. I just wanted to share my dad w/ you.

Red

 

[cowz]

My dad is 87 and although he is very sharp in mind, he cannot hear well, refuses a hearing aid.  He is constantly trying to do things he no longer has the physical agility to do.

I feel your heart break.  It's hell getting old. 

 

[knabe]

ok, the stinking clones can wait on this one.  you need to ask your dad how work was, how was his day and who was there.  live through him, he lived through you, do this now.  when i left my grammy a couple of years ago, i cried for about a week cause i knew i would never see her again.  i didn't care that my dad and his sister said she was losing it, i asked her about her daddy, her friends, the purple hills, learning to sew, making music, do it now, call him back and say sorry to call you at work, tell me about the largest ball bearing order,  who was the biggest a#$ole at work.  do it now.  visit him in person with the sole purpose of making him laugh and get it on video tape.  every time you visit waste zero energy on correcting him.  get a bearing set from hubby and put it in his hands.

 

[red]

thanks Knabe, we're going to see him this weekend. I'll do what you suggested. I just didn't want to encourage him to try to go to work because it's snowing here & my mom has quite a time w/ him.

Red

 

[common sense]

knabe- that is hands down the coolest thing I have heard in a long long time.  You are so right.  My parents are aging and although they are not having problems with dimentia they get very upset that they can't remember things.  I live very close to them and I see them all the time.  It was very frustrating to me and I actually would get angry until I realized that they needed ME now.  They need me to help them enjoy the coming years that they have ahead and to help them with the transition.  They helped me through the early years of my life and now I owe them my help.  We laugh our asses off at some of the stuff they do and try to meet each new frustration with a lighter attitude. 

Red- I lost a good friend that had Alzheimers and I think that my best advice is that you have to remember that the only people that are suffering here are the rest of the family.  Your father is in no pain and doesn't know what is going on.  You should do exactly what knabe suggested and you will all find some kind of peace.  I feel so bad for you and your mom.  I hope that you two can find a good support group. 

 

[cowz]

The hardest thing for me is how to take on the "guiding" role for your parent, while giving them the utmost respect that they deserve.  My dad is so stubborn and independent that he get into some real pickles.  This is because he doesn't want any help.  He is gradually getting better with this as a result of much nagging on my part.  We did downsize his herd to a very easily managable 30 head.  He need help Jan- April with hay feeding and we don't let him go off alone on a horse anymore.

We as a family have always had to have a sense of humor in order to survive!  Let me tell you about him and the heifer who got her head stuck in a tree hole someday!

 

[CAB]

Red, sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad is in a similar situation. My wife & I went up to help my Mom put plastic over her windows about 1 month ago. They don't really need it ,but I guess you could call it old school tight money habit. We walked past my Dad. told him Hi and everything. As we proceeded to get to work, overheard him asking who was there & what we were doing. You never realize until it's too late how much we take for granted especially when it's our health that we're talking about.
  My wife's Dad is 83 years young and he was up in his attic one morning early piddling around with trying to fix a hole or something & fell through the attic ceiling, landed on the concrete, broke nothing, but cannot get comfortable no matter what they try. Doctor tells him that he just may never get to feel well again.
  When I was young & dumber than I am now, I told my wife that I didn't really want to get old, she could shoot me when I hit 60. Now I am hiding all of the bullets. LOL.
  Knabe that is the best advice that I have heard for awhile. Thanks.

 

[Jill]

So sorry to hear about your dad, it's hard when you finally realize that your indestructible parents aren't really going to live forever.
Knabe that is good advice and it is good advice for anyone, not all of us will live to be in the 80's some won't make it to 20's, 30's or whatever,  if we treat each person as though you won't see them again, think how much better off we would all be.

 

[doubled]

Red- Sorry to hear about your Dad- treasure every moment I lost my Dad a year ago and its really hard- Eveytime we go to a show it reminds me of him-
Hopefully the holidays will be good for you and your family, my best wishes and prayers-

 

[tackes]

Red,
It seems that lots of folks really understand where you're coming from as do I. My grandmother has schizophrenia (has for 45-50 yrs) and some days are really bad (we choose not to remember those). I'm sure you're dad will have a few good days where it seems nothing is wrong. Remember those with all your heart. Knabe is absolutely correct. I do that with my Grandma sometimes when she is very upset and crying. Sometimes its just not worth it, but you handled it great! Your family is lucky to have you!

 

[shortdawg]

To say I've been blessed is an understatement but I had 9 Grandparents when I was born. I now have only 3 and they are all over 80 yrs. old. All of them live or lived within a 10 minute drive of me and some within hollering distance. I thank GOD for the memories they have given me. My motto has always been to take care of them the best you can while they are here and when they are gone you have all those wonderful memories that will live forever.

 

[DLD]

Red, my heart goes out to you and your family, and everyone else who's going through that. My mom suffered dementia for several years. Before my dad figured out that he had to get up and follow her around when she got up at night, a couple of times she'd get up in the middle of the night and cook a huge meal (or at least parts of one) and once called up all of us kids (including my sister 200 miles away), and a couple of the neighbors, and want to know why we weren't there yet - dinner was ready. My brother and I and one of the neighbors went up and helped her finish cooking the meal, and ate about 3 am. Somewhere along the way she did ask us why we were eating in the middle of the night - I told her it just seemed like the thing to do, and that seemed to satisfy her...

Like knabe said, you've just gotta roll with it. For the last six or seven months before my dad passed away my brother and I and occasionally another friend or family member took turns spending the night with them. It was tough to do at the time, but I do treasure the extra time we got to spend together. After my dad was gone, mom stayed in a nursing home (she had advanced Parkinsons plus the dementia by then) but I saw her almost every day.  My dad passed away 8 years ago almost to the day, my mom 5 years ago February. I miss them alot, but I've got lots of good memories.

 

[chambero]

My wife had a great aunt who lived to be a 100.  I knew her for her last years.  The lady was quite a character - her husband had died back and 60s and she never remarried but lived alone in Sweetwater.  She graduated from college in the in the 19 teens sometime and was an art teacher her whole life.  It just so happens she went to the same college I did.  Her short term memory wasn't real good at the end, but she could remember anything from decades ago.  However, she lost perception of just how long ago some things were.  Every time she would see me she would ask me if I knew Professor such and such that taught her.  The man probably never lived to see WWII, but the only answers that would satisfy her was that I'd go try to find him and tell him how she was doing.

My dad died when I was ten.  I'd give anything to be able to take care of him in his later years.  Enjoy everything about the opportunity that you can and look for reasons to be happy about it.  It'll be our turn someday.