Blonde Joke

Help Support Steer Planet:

Shady Lane

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
515
Location
Saskatchewan Canada
Disclaimer:

The following post is for comedic relief purposes only and does not necesarily reflect the views of Shady Lane Shorthorns, it's employees or it's subsidiaries. Please be advised!


What do Blondes and cow patties have in common?



.........................................................................................


They both get easier to pick up with age!


(lol)



 







 

MCC

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
484
Location
LAMAR,CO
    :mad:(My wife doesn't think that's funny! ( but I think it's hilarious )  (lol)
 

Doc

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 13, 2007
Messages
3,636
Location
Cottontown, Tennessee
THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more
than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had
talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of
her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about.



For all of these years, he had never
thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very
sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the
little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his
wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he
should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found
two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling
$95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we
were to be married,'
she said, ' my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I
ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a
doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had
to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and
loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the
dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made
from selling the dolls.'

 

MCC

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
484
Location
LAMAR,CO
A man and his ever nagging wife were on a holiday trip in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it would cost $5000 to ship her home to bury her but only $50 to bury her there.

The husband said "Ship her home." The undertaker said "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save all that money."

The husband said, " A long time ago a man named Jesus was buried here and 3 day's later he arose from the dead. I can't take that chance with  this witch."
 

Hoof Hearted

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2007
Messages
85
Location
California
BOB & THE BLONDE:



 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.





The blonde looked at Bob  and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"




Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."




Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.


 

american honey

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 30, 2010
Messages
352
Location
Indiana
MCC said:
    :mad:(My wife doesn't think that's funny! ( but I think it's hilarious )  (lol)
HAHA!!  Oh my lands, I was readin these during school and almost fell out of my chair laughing!!
 

MCC

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
484
Location
LAMAR,CO
Once upon a time when there were only 3 breeds of cattle on Gods green earth, ( Hereford, Angus, and Shorthorn ),

they had a steer show in a land far away called Houston.

They went to a 3 judge system and to be fair they had a judge from each breed.

After they picked the breed champions they brought the 3 champions back in to select the Grand Champion steer.

Each judge pleaded his case to the other two why his breed champ should win.

After about 30 min. of arguing the Hereford judge looked at his watch and said, " We need to wrap this up I have a plane to catch."

The Angus judge said, " I do to can I catch a ride to the airport with you? "

The Shorthorn judge just smiled and said, " Well looks like the Shorty wins today! "

"Why? ", the other two ask. " Because I drove here today. " replied the Shorthorn judge.
 

bruiser

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2009
Messages
198
Location
Illinois (God's country)
Two brothers decide one night they're going to talk like men the next day. First thing they get up and their mom asks the first what he wants for breakfast; he says"  I want some f!@#ing  pancakes " suprised she slaps him right in the mouth. She turns to the second one and says " What do you want for breakfast?" and he said " Well I don't want any f!@#ing pancakes"
 

kfacres

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
3,713
Location
Industry, IL Ph #: 618-322-2582
bruiser said:
Two brothers decide one night they're going to talk like men the next day. First thing they get up and their mom asks the first what he wants for breakfast; he says"  I want some f!@#ing  pancakes " suprised she slaps him right in the mouth. She turns to the second one and says " What do you want for breakfast?" and he said " Well I don't want any f!@#ing pancakes"

heard that one before..  but it still gets me every time...  been there once in my life (clapping)
 

Shady Lane

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
515
Location
Saskatchewan Canada
Why we shoot deer in the wild (a letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well, and actually tried this)
>
> I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it, and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down), hog-tie it, and transport it home.
>
> I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
>
> The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED!
>
> The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
>
> The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
>
> I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in.. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand, kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
>
> Did you know that deer bite?
>
> They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts!
>
> The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
>
> It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
>
> That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
>
> Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause it to back down a bit so you can escape.
>
> This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
>
> Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
>
> I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope -- to sort of even the odds!!
>
> All these events are true so help me God: an educated farmer
>
>
 
Top